Her eyes trailed over the consecutive shelves, fingers itching to choose one among the two once a best selling. She bit her lower lip in utmost confusion when she frustratingly heaved a sigh while pushing her black square rimmed spectacles over the nose-bridge. "Urgh..."she stretched her frustrations out, rolling her eyes off.
'Shall I try it with inky pinky ponky?...May be that would work for me! 'thought Prerna as she closed her eyes and murmured under her breath,"Inky pinky ponky. Humpty had a donkey. Donkey died. Humpty cried." And her finger that previously swam in the air freezed over one. She flinched her eyes open when worry lines drew again. Her finger pointed out to the region of shelf that divided the two books and yet again she was left confused. She clasped her nose heaving a frustrated sigh and huffed over her falling bangs in air.
Taking a step back she leaned on the shelf opposite, eying the two books like candies. "I would have taken both of you home,I swear, if only the Bookista didn't had that guideline issued to take only one book until the return of first."mumbled Prerna as if talking to books.People say books are humans best friends but to her it was always more than that. She knew she loved books;after all it had been her escape from the reality for over years. A place she always wants to be but she knew with every turn of pages she rather stayed a mystery. She doesn't know how are story of life is craven as, but if there's a chance to stay in book she wouldn't mind spending entire life in that.
'Books have always been a beautiful place to be. A place where may be our love story had a happily ever after.'she smiled amusing as the thought trailed in her mind. A subtle stretch of grim overpowered with slightly watery eyes when she dipped her head and suck them again like she used to. The same way she has done, always, over the past ten months.
"Twilight!"at the consecutive shelf of Bookista, leaned Anurag with a gripped smile as he set in the book. 'She has always loved romantic novels. And I didn't realized when I started to love her.' he smiled at the thought whilst his mirthful mind flew down the lanes of minimal beautiful memories they had together. He was about to move out of Bookista , a caf that provides bibliophile a space to read their favourite books with their choice of coffee along with a free issue for a week. He was done with Twilight when unknowingly his eyes travelled to the ' Fault in our Stars '.
"Fault in our Stars, may be we had the same. Faulty stars."his eyes surfaced with tears as his talipes silently went with the flow. He walked over to the next shelf where stood a lady with her fingers swimming in air.
She was dressed in a faux leather over coat donned with an acid washed grey trousers that were paired with knee length long boots. Her parisian chocolate tresses were messily knotted in a hair bun as her bangs covered her face. For a flicker of moment he looked at her and then shook his head with amusement turning to the book shelf.
He gazed at the cover, touched it bare with his rough hands and felt the scent of longing pain through it. Something was weird about it. He already knew it was a tragic love story, the same way like he had his own. But maybe with a different essence. He closed his eyes, reminiscing her smiling face again,for the last time he saw it was all drenched in tears.
Prerna yanked her head back, smiling bright or rather had put on another show to make her mind, that she is happy. Too happy. Unwittingly,her eyes travelled to the man who stood with his back facing her and then her eyes fell on the book he had his hand on. ' Fault in our Stars', she smiled a weep remembering how she has cried everytime she read Augustus's love confession. And when the lovers fell apart; but when that reality happened to her she realised it pained way more than that. She had a lighter heart for everytime she cried over their heavenly love story but when she went through the same she didn't had a heart to cry. It was too palpable in her anguish to ever let go, her tears weren't that strong to bear it. They aren't still.
There used to be a time when her world revolved around romantic novels and those were the days she fantasised about hers too. And when love happened to her she was pulled back into a world; only to accept no fairytale exist in reality and that's why they are written in books...so intensely that the reader could happily live through that deception of cherishing their own with characters.
'He never liked the idea of reading romantic novels.'Prerna reminiscence the evening they were trapped inside the library, a smile made it's way lately. They didn't had bunch of memories together but what they had was enough for her to believe at least she had happened to love someone with such raw devotion. She chucked the thought away and moved forward picking one of the two books, 'The argumentative Indian'.
"Sorry, 'The Idea of Justice'. I so wanted to take you home but..."she trailed off turning to her side and bumped into someone resulting her book to kiss the ground with a thud. "Shit!...erm... sorry!"They muttered in a jinx.
With the husk of voice, she knew whom it belonged. Her frolicking heart was already on the cue to jump out of her chest when her fluttering eyes met his. "Pre...Prerna!"Anurag's shriveled vocals conveyed his astonishment as a childlike solemn grin stretched on his lips. Prerna was frozen on her spot until she heard him call her, after long...so long.
He wantedly moved forward to embrace her, caring least about the books that sprawled when she bent down to collect the books, realising his act in the nick of the moment. "Your book!"she passed to him in all smiles.
"Fault in our Stars."she gibbered to herself in amusement,her smile falling flat realising he has changed, Komolika changed him.
Anurag's face flushed with paleness evaluating her amount of hatred for him. He took a step back when she snapped the book before his eyes. There was an underlying glint in her eyes that crinkled with sorrows of holding back tears more than that heartfelt smile she played. His orbs darted in her deeply trying to shred her layers off but this time she was build way stronger to let just anybody break her that way.
Failing to his attempts he clutched the book to himself and watched Amartya Sen's The Argumentative Indian in hers.
'When did she starting reading economic books?'his mind prompted in bewilderment.
"Madam,-Sir; your order of beverage is ready. Please grab it early."sung the waitress in her british accent as she walked away to reception. Taking it as an opportunity to escape the situation for she didn't had the strength to take in his presence for more,she left for the book issue followed by the self service to pick up her order.
Her eyes travelled across the entire caf and mind bubbled in frustration on finding it all bustled until she found an old couple leave from their seat and she rushed for it in seconds.
Her heart thumped in ecstasy and breathlessness when she sat down and faced her mutual competitive for the other end; Anurag. Nonetheless Prerna didn't want to create a scene in public and for what account;that he left her, all alone even after those promises. She better reigned her urges and enacted a stranger to him. She passed him a sly smile,the one she would usually give to others and sat down reading the prologue.
A part of her was scared to know he was around as her subconscious writhe in fugacious as she turned pages swiftly not minding if she was really reading them. All this while, another part of her wanted to sunk in the same air he breathed. For the last time,she saw him he was in his darkest shade of evil, the one he wasn't used to though. And now when she moved on in her life she wanted to preserve their last moment together, with at least his smiling face,that would lend her peace to know he is happy.
With every sip of her drink she drank his presence in her mind as the corners of her eyes played rummy and everytime he caught her off guard but stayed silent, just to admire the little moment they had after all.
"When did you shift to London?"he initiated, marking his book with a bookmark just to play along with her, in a pretense.
"Huh?"she squirmed in confusion.
"Prerna,I know you know the truth,now."he clasped his hands together in a fist,"You don't have to pretend."
"Glad,you know."she gruffed in pain,"And I don't have to pretend any longer...like you did."
"Prerna, it wasn't just for my profit. I too had to lend my soul to that deal. I love you...and it was for the sake of your house I had to agree to it."he breathed in, his tears blazing in his eyes when inevitably Prerna sat poised with not even a frickle lining her forehead. Their was an intense bareness to her emotions that brought stillness too it, simultaneously.
"Six months. It's been six months since I shifted here."Prerna said,and resumed to the book she was reading.
Anurag stretched the book away from her hold and when she eyed him she was barefaced to the vulnerability he had been towing on his heart throughout.
"For God's sake stop it!"his brittle voice sent shivers down her spine.
"Stop what, Anurag? Stop what?...if I had the strength to stop things may be I would have stopped myself for falling for you."She cried in her silvery tone as the redness rimmed her capillaries. Anurag was rendered speechless for the fervor she yelped in ache,"I would have better stopped myself falling in love with you."
"I am sorry!...I know,my apologies won't suffice to the pain but I am going through the same. I love you too. More than my life."his palm went to hold hers, that rested on the mahogany.
"No you are a lier!...if you loved me more than your life you won't have let me go like that. You won't have done that to me."Prerna jerked his palm away as the other clasped her mouth to stop her sobs. Her tears weren't ceasing with the whirlpool of emotions she went through.
"Do you even realise...the pain I have to go through?!"she mumbled painfully, her shivered with the thought as she shook her head in a shrug to forget the bitter memories. Anurag wobbled his lips to say something when she stopped him from saying further with her palm outstretched.
"No..no... it's my turn to say. If it wasn't for Anupam Da who told me truth I would have sucked to death thinking about your betrayal all my life. Not for even once you thought to share it with me...I too have a say in this. It was for me you married her, for my house but for even once you thought what I wanted."she fisted the sides of the table turning her fingers pale while her jaws grinding over either in angst.
"No. You had your own assumptions and did what you wanted to. This...this relationship was mine too."she spoke swinging her index finger between them. "I wanted you above all. You were my home but what you did to me. See-"she trailed off with another wave of heavy breathes. "And about me marrying to Naveen Babu,all that was because I wasn't in love with anyone then. I wasn't committed to anyone. I--I didn't make promises of living forever to anyone. I didn't."She further added, with her tears not ceasing as Anurag shifted in his seat and leaned forward to cup her face in his palms.
Prerna clutched his hands at her sides, breathing in his longing touch after so long and kissed his palm. "I loved you more than just anything else. I know that house is really important for all of us,for me and my family. Most importantly because it has Baba's memories but Anurag do you really think we will cherish those memories when heartbroken. Memories aren't something one saves in materialistic belongings, it isn't a photograph that stays in some cellphone and one it's broken all will be diminished. Memories are what we preserve in our heart because eventually all those materialistic belongings break into fragments."She rubbed away her tears, sucking in for air.
"Memories don't just vanish like that, because it would have been kept alive in our hearts. Baba isn't with us now, physically though,but in our hearts we can feel him around us. He is alive in us and... seeing his family broken,his daughter's self respect at stake he would have been more than hurt than losing that house."She breathed in a heaving sigh, brushed her tears away when his warm lips marked her crown.
"I don't have much strength now. I don't have strength to confess my love for you all over again, because I know it would reflect back my hurted self."she distanced them as her palm rested on his chest and then her neck snapped back to the head rest of her chair.
"Prerna please--don't let me go!"Anurag's eyes brimmed up with another fresh set of tears.
"I don't have strength to stop you either."She smiled a sad, "I am still a CA, earning some fifty thousand pounds monthly. And I still don't match your status; unfortunately. I am still too weak to stop you."
"Prerna,you know it wasn't what I meant. I just wanted to save you from the worst."he tried to reason.
"Nothing could be worst than a betrayal from someone you loved like a part of you,Anurag. That day,you made go through worst with your assumption of saving me from."her tears slid down but she was least bothered now to rub them away," I staked my self-esteem; something what we middle class only have. I staked my late father's esteem...for something that never belonged to me." Anurag was silent,he didn't had words to express what he felt at the moment. He knew what he did was wrong but listening to her side of story he realised,it was a heinous sin.
"Moreover,I am not the same Prerna you loved. Over the course of time I have changed. You didn't realize it yet but you actually murdered her long back."she gobbled the cold water down her parched throat as her tongue went dry. " I no longer live in search of my fairytale, I had it once, though for a short period but the person I loved was worth it. I shall always be grateful to you for the favour to did on me. I know no amount could pay it but I cannot make peace with myself for the loan I have on my shoulder. Fifteen lacs,it was; and I would pay all of it soon. I assure."her voice cracked up in the end of it whilst he had nothing else to say. She picked up her book carefree about her half filled coffee left untouched.
" Are you paying off for the loan...or my favour?...Or paying for the love,we had."his stern vocals wobbled her feet as she clamped her lower lip under her teeth.
"Anurag..."her brittle voice wavered him," It was you who auctioned that pious relationship of ours. I can never do that. I still don't have guts for-"she breathed in.
"I still don't ...have guts for it. If only you chose to share that pain with me, we probably wouldn't be standing on this plank of our relationship. You want to know why I cannot stop you now? Because you don't belong to yourself too, you belong to Komolika. And I have no right to snatch you away from her."she gobbled down the lump that formed at the intersection of her tonsils and stood up to leave.
"Learn to fulfil promises,Anurag,if not all then at least some. You vowed to be hers before the auspicious pyre. Respect that,respect that bond. Respect marriage,Anurag. It's sacred."and before his eyes she diminished with those blurred visual he had. She was a dream he can't reach to, and for her he was a chapter of her life she spent her entire life for.
In his hazy vision, all he could see were her drenched cheeks as her tears spurted in agony and the last thing he had his eyes stuck on was, Fault in our Stars.
*****
