Laying on the bed with Akka, those words played in loop in her head. She turned and looked at the clock. It was close to 3.30 AM right now, but sleep was far away.
Was it so easy for him, she wondered, to make her feel like the most beautiful person, most cherished person, one second, and break away that dream all in the other?
She understood his concern for Saransh, she really did. She loved Saransh too, she was his mother after all. She had given him 7 years of her life without asking for anything for return. He was her life too. In the last 7 years, that was all that she lived for, breathed for, her child Saransh. The exhilaration she felt when he called her Mumma for the first time, her happiness the first time he walked towards her,her joy at seeing him chuckle over silly things, her anxiousness the first time she dropped him off to school alone, the joy on his face after he told her of all the friends he’d made at school. She remembered it all.
Yes, she was subjected to a lot of insults from everyone for being an unmarried mother. But she did not care for that. She never let any of that affect him. She gave him only love and care. Her child Saransh. And all she wanted was that her Saransh be with her, always.
She sighed. She was tired. This was all she could think of these days. Fighting an inner battle with herself constantly. She wondered for the hundredth time if she could go ahead with her decision of giving Saransh away to Akka. Her only solace she had for the last 7 years until Rudraksh came into her life.
Rudraksh
The name always brought a sense of peace to her these days. She knew he was angry at her right now. She was angry at him too. Yet, all she longed was for him right now.
When she met him first, she had thought of him as an absolute low life. She chuckled on that thought. In her defense, he certainly did behave like the most obnoxious of personalities most of the times, even today in fact.
“Mogambo kahin ka”
She remembered the day she was forced to accept her marriage with Rudraksh Khurana. She had felt as though it was the worst day of her life. She wanted to walk out desperately, to go anywhere but near him. But she stayed, only for her Saransh.
She had abhorred the thought of even standing as the same room as him.
“Agar duniya mein tum aakhri insaan bhi bachoge na, main tab bhi tumse shaadi nahi karungi”.
She remembered saying these very words to him.
And now? Now, it just hurt incredibly to stay away from him. All she wanted to do was run into his arms and stay there forever. Listening to his heartbeat. Feeling secure in the cocoon of his arms. Hearing him say I love you again and again and again. Wanting to see his desperation to hear her confession. Now, she loved everything about him, every part of him. She wanted his love, his possessiveness, his care, everything for herself. She wanted to live it all and experience it all.
For once in her life in the last 7 years, she wanted to be selfish, think about only herself, wanted to live like a happily married woman with a beautiful family. Her, Rudraksh and their son, Saransh. She wanted this for herself.
For once, she just wanted this happiness for just herself.
But when does life ever give you what you want?
She turned around and saw the sleeping face of her dear Akka and instantly felt her heart dropping.
While her Akka was battling for her life, she was selfishly wanting to live her life happily, that too by keeping away her own biological child. That could't be right, could it? She felt the familiar guilt kicking in she was feeling in the past week. Her Akka in these last 7 years was facing demons of her own all alone while she was happily living being a mother to Saransh. Akka now only wants her son back, while she is selfishly seeking the bliss of a happily married life. Her Akka’s only hope to live is Saransh. Then how is she even hoping to keep that away from him.
She did not want to give Saransh away, did not want to separate him from her, from them, but she couldn’t live with herself if anything happened to Akka because of this. She just couldn’t.
No matter how much she wanted to be selfish, she could not, not when her Akka’s only hope to life was Saransh. And it’s not like she’ll lose Saransh right. He’d be near them only. She’ll go to meet him every day, she’ll still do all the things she used to do. Just that he’ll live with Akka. Yeah, she’d adjust with that.
She’d do that much of a compromise for her Akka.
Like she had said, her chahatein did not matter anymore.
Writer: Saina54
