She watched him from the doorway where he coudn't see her, continuous tears streamed down her face as she went weak in her stomach, in agony. The heartbreak was grief, gruelling pain that stole her sleep, stole her appetite and left her with this piercing feeling of loss, that felt like shards of glass lodged in her gut. Leaving her bleeding to death.
He was cradling their little princess in his hands, little amayra giggled and gurgled at her father, lifting her little fists to run it down his face, showing her love in the only way she knew how. His eyes closed at the unblemished, pure, unconditional love in her touch, it was almost as if she was wiping away his tears. He rocked her gently, holding her small head to to his chest protectively, and embracing the rest of her delicate body in fear, never wanting to let her go.
He buried his lips in her small wafts of hair, his eyes closing as small wounded whispers leave his lips. Amayra frowns, as if she could sense her father's anguish. She grabs tufts of his hair in her tiny fists as if trying to run her fingers through it like Avni does. He chuckled softly but the pain reverberated in his voice as his tears fell in to her scalp, amayra looked as if she was about to burst in to cries too, and avni was about to rush inside to get her, but stopped seeing Neil.
He hummed faintly, a tender smile on his face as he swung Amayra humming the lori till she settled. He pulled a funny face at her, making her eyes light up as she giggled joyousy, another tear fell from his eyes, as he noticed that her eyes lit up the way Avni's did.
"Oh god meri mayu... meri jaan... Daddy is going to miss you so much..." He was trying not to break down in to tears, his voice wavering. "I wan't to stay here, and protect you and your mumma... But-"
"But daddy will come back soon... I promise... I promise daddy will come back to his princess..." amayra gurgled, clutching to her daddy's beard, but flinching adorably in astonishment as it's rough texture tickles her. He laughed at her antics, she was so precious.
"But what if you have grown big by then, what if you say your first word when I'm not here, take your first step... what if I miss you growing up mayu?" He caresses her head, stroking chubby cheek with his finger as he scanned her face, as if memorising every little detail about her.
His expression was so vulnerable and raw that Avni just wanted to run over to him, and hug him as tightly as humanly possible, and tell him he was being ridiculous, that they'd always be waiting for him. But she just couldn't bring herself to face him.
"Mayu... daddy loves you so much, I'm so sorry I have to leave... I wish i could keep you both in front of my eyes 24/7..." His eyes darkened with the heavy burden of guilt weighing down on his chest, he carefully tried to put her to sleep, not wanting Avni to go through that trouble tonight, when he wouldn't be able to help her for so long.
He burped Amayra, and paced with her around the room restlessly, waiting for her to calm down slightly but it was not of any use. He gave her a ratlle toy and she shook it around and stayed entertained with it for ages, bonking Neil on the face and laughing at the expressions he made as she did so. He got tired of walking around and sat on the bed, leaning against the headrest, and lying Amayra on his belly. She crawled around merrily, finding a new spurt of energy that refused to let her sleep. He showed her all her toys, giving them all different voices, one mimicking her dadi, one some posh English queen , a gruff villain from some superhero movie and finally her mother, mrs lady don.
"Neil! Bistar par tumhara kapde hai, nikal do! Neil utto! Neil if you use your laptop for so long and work so late in the night your head will ache! Neil amayra ki saamne yeh sab kar mat! Yaha no romance!" (Your clothes are on the bed, remove them! Neil get up! Neil don't do this in front of Amayra!) Amayra snorted with laughter as he ranted comically, Neil smiled at her in admiration with watering eyes, pushing the hair out of her face. His mind got stuck on Avni. His little princess looked so much like her. God , he had to stop himself from letting his mind dwell on her or his heart would break in to a million pieces.
Avni leaned her head on the door frame, sighing shakily, seeing Amayra clamber on to Neil's chest and lay splayed across it. She rested her head on his heart, and her legs laid on his stomach, she was tucked in securely in to his arm and he shushed gently, he rubbed her back till she slowly fell asleep.
Avni scrubbed her face with the end of her saree, harshly, to make sure that there wasn't a single trace of any tears left on her face, clearing her throat before she entered. Neil looked up at her in surprise, wiping away the tears on his face with the back of his hand and pulling a huge smile on to his face which she returned half-heartedly.
"she's fallen asleep..." He whispered carefully, and she nodded stoically, going over to lift her carefully from his chest.
"I'll go put her in her cradle, why don't you go and freshen up and sleep as quickly as possible ? You have a- uh- um... a long day tomorrow..." Her composed normalised tone was painfully forced, and he noticed it immediately but kept silent, nodding, she broke eye contact with him as if it stung her, walking out quickly.
He got out of the shower and got in to bed, sighing heavily, staring at the ceiling and just so deeply feeling the emptiness in his chest, the wallowing feeling in his heart. He tried to remember those times where he didn't even feel afraid for a moment before leaving for service, but now, he was scared to die, he had so many precious things to lose. His Avni, his Amayra...
He waited for Avni, but he knew he couldn't bear to look her in those eyes, he would melt, all this courage he managed to muster would fall apart to bits.
Eventually, she walked in, she kept her eyes trained on the ground, avoiding to even meet his eyes. She changed in to her nightie, and then wandered the room aimlessly, as trying to busy herself.
He despised himself as he saw the wrinkles of distress on her youthful skin, the unrest in her eyes as she skittered nervously, but he tried to maintain the usual energy and charm in his voice, "Avni mera tablets de doogi kya?" (will you give me my tablets?)
She grabbed a packet off the table and tossed it in his direction without giving him a second glance, she was biting her lip so hard that she was digging through the skin. He checked it and realised that in her carelessness she had given him an entirely different medication.
"Yeh nahi, woh wali de na..." (not these, that one) He pointed at the tablets he needed trying to behave as normally as possible, trying to get some sort of small reaction for her, he already missed her voice.
" Get it yourself." She snapped suddenly, stunning him with her change in behaviour. He observed her carefully before saying anything.
"Why are you snapping at me?" He asked in concern, eyeing her in confusion as she carried on pacing around the room.
She stopped in her steps, closing her red frustrated eyes and holding her head in her hands, all her battling emotions were rising to a crescendo inside her and it definitely didn't help that he didn't seem to even care that he wouldn't see her for months, they had barely spoken today. She grunted in raging irritation, her kneels buckling as she fell to her knees. He looks at her, hysterically panic stricken, sprinting to her and lifting her to her feet, caressing her cheek.
"Avni? Baby? Are you okay?" She shoves him off, squeezing her eyes shut. He turned her around, holding her by her shoulders, his gaze burning in to her which just riled her up in emotions even more.
"f**k off Neil. I don't wan't to talk to you." She lashed out, yelling loudly and shoving his chest to push her away from him.
"Come on, don't do this Avni... I'm leaving tomorrow, Say something" He pleaded with her now, his eyes welling up seeing her act so coldly. The tears he was holding back choked in his breath, wrenching his heart, god, he just wanted her in his arms one last time before he had to go.
"Why should I? It's not like I'll miss you..." The silence was painful, but she had lost sight of what she was doing in her rashness, continuing to yell her reckless words. "I'm used to it anyway... you leaving me like this."
"You won't miss me?" He sounded so hurt, his voice cracked. And though tiny, that little juncture in his voice was the saddest sound in the world, it relflected the sound his heart made as it shattered. All the regret hit her in the gut when she saw his wounded eyes.
"No. No I won't. I-I- I wont." She looks away quickly but her voice quivers. She storms away and getting in to bed, turning away from the side he normally sleeps on. He sighs deeply as he slips in beside her, turning around to face her back.
"Avi?" He calls her lovingly, in that voice gives her butterflies in her stomach. His voice... She wasn't going to hear it for so long, it made her heart sink.
She tried not to look at him, knowing that as soon she looked in to those eyes, she would break down.
He wrapped an arm around her waist from behind, resting himself up on his elbow so he could see her. He let out a pained breath, a sad smile appeared on his face as he saw her , she was hiding her face in his tshirt, the one he had given to her when he had to go for duty for the first time after their marriage. She was clutching on to it tightly, trembling, as if trying not to cry.
"Oh Avi..." He slowly traces his finger across her face, gathering the loose strands of her hair that had stuck to her face in sweat and tucking it behind her ear, his face warped in worry as he gulped back his tears. "Idhere aao..." (come here)
She couldn't take it anymore, she couldn't hide it or lie anymore. She turned to face him, tears slowly trickling down her cheek. He wiped them away with his thumb immediately, leaning down to kiss her gently where the tears had dried, and she could feel the wetness of his tears against her cheek. She was going to miss him like hell.
She couldn't do it, she tried this time, not to let him see how much pain she was in seeing him leave, but she couldn't. She broke in to sobs and to him it was like this all consuming, ravaging pain, the most agonising sound in the world. He could bear deafing gunshots, the shrill screech of bombshells hitting the ground, even the screams of injured soilders but he could never ever bear to hear her cry.
He bundled her up in to his arms, pulling her protectively in to his chest into a bone crushing hug. She snuggled in to his side, resting her face on his chest and gripping to his shirt, holding on to him so tightly that her knuckles were white. His arms, his arms had the power to make every pain in world fall away, how could she survive without cuddling in to his arms every night?How could she face that void of emptiness beside her in bed every night?
Her sobs just grew more bitter, her frail body shook in his arms as she struggled to breath against the crying. His face creased, his eyes squeezing shut and his hand turning to a fist , the sound made his heart stop for a second. He just couldn't take it. But he never ever let her feel it, he would never let her see how much pain it caused him.
"Avi please... hey... baby look at me..." He cooed at her like a small child as he pulled away reluctantly, his finger lifting her chin to look her in her eyes. Her eyes were so fragmented, broken hearted, it killed him. "It's going to be okay... I promise... We are going to be okay..."
"I'm so scared Neil..." Her voice was so tiny, barely audible, it stung, it burnt him, like walking across burning hot shards of glass. But he cupped her face, and curved his lips in to a small warm smile, shaking his head.
"I know baby... I know... but I'll be back before you know it... I'll come back home to you I promise..." She moulded herself back in to his chest, right where she belongs, trying but failing to hide the tears rolling down her cheeks. He was always so positive, but his voice was hoarse and broken, his throat stinging wih tears. She knew he was scared too, she knew he didn't want to leave her and go, especially when Amayra is so young, but she also knew he would never even let an inch of that sorrow on his face. Her legs tangled with his, her softness against his calloused skin was an entirely different sense of intimacy, a unimaginable warmth that they couldn't find anywhere else. It was a little touch of heaven, their only medicine, their light in the darknesss, their fire in the cold.
"What if-"
"Shhh... no baby... no what ifs" He pressed his finger against her lips, silencing her, she looked up at him with so much fear in her eyes that it gutted him. He pressed a long lingering kiss against her forehead, closing his eyes. He opened his arms and she crawled in to him, huddling back in to his arms and gripping on to him tighter, "No force in the world can take me away you..."
She kissed his cheek sweetly, his eyes closing slowly at her touch, his breath hitching. Lord knows how much he would miss this, he would think about these touches, these kisses, these words as he laid in those stiff regiment beds, they would linger on his skin whenever his shut his eyes.
"I'm going to miss you so much..." She whimpered in to his shirt, stroking his chest absentmindedly. She took his arm and placed it under her head, using it as a pillow, looking so adorable that he just stared at her, blinking in awe.
"For god's sake... I love you Avni Ayesha Neil Khanna... I love you so f**king much..." He yanked her to land on top of him, smashing his lips in to her before she could react. She could taste blood on his lips where he had bitten it mercilessly, and she sucked it gently, affectionately licking away the remains of the blood, making him groan in bliss.
"And I'm going to miss you so bloody much... and it's so f**king hard not to have you there with me everyday... I'm going to miss everything about you, and you know I'm a hopeless wreck without you..." He brushed his nose across her temple, resting his lips on her cheek, mumbling in to it before kissing her softly.
She rested her forehead against his, trying to settle her unsteady breathing, she pleaded like a small child, "Do you have to go?"
She knew she was being selfish, but she didn't know how she was going to manage without him. She felt him go rigid and it pricked her with guilt because she could see how much it hurt him, he buried his face in to the nook in her neck, murmuring in to her skin, "I'm so sorry Avi... I'm so sorry... I know it's hard on you... and thinking of you here on your own with amayra, it breaks my heart but I can't-"
"Neil it's okay... it's not your fault..." She ran her fingers through his hair, playing with it, giving them that cosy feeling of comfort, of home. She rested her lips in his hair, cradling him and sheltering him as if he was a small child, shielding him, knowing she couldn't when he was out there. "You're fighting for our country. And I'm being really f**king selfish."
"No avni-" He tried to console her but she cut him off, he wrapped his arms around her waist and she curled in to the safety she felt in his arms. She clutched to his shoulder, squeezing it tightly as the pain throbbed in her chest.
"I am Neil, and I feel sick to the stomach because I can see all this time how you were clenching your jaw, how you were trying not to cry... and I tried, I tried to avoid speaking to you so you can't see I'm upset. Because I know if you knew I was upset it would just make it harder for you to leave. But instead I snapped and I said all those awful shitty things and just made you feel worse. And I'm just so f**king selfish because I know, I know you're only going because you have to yet I'm still only thinking about myself. But I'm just so scared and I don't know what to do-"
"Avi... You don't have to be scared... don't you trust me? I promise I won't let anything go wrong, I'll never let anything upset you. You've got me I promise, even when I'm not close by you've got me... " He rocked her back and forth like a baby, rubbing her back with his shivering hands. He didn't want to go, he knew that he couldn't promise her anything, but he had to lie to her, had to stay strong for her.
She grabbed his hair in between her fingers to press him closer as he drew a trail of wet kisses along her neck and down her collarbone. She moaned gently, stirring arousal within him, she could feel him against her stomach, as one of his hand grazed her curves, and the other stayed at her hip, tracing random patterns across her skin.
He nuzzled her nose in to her chest, inhaling her crazily intoxicating scent, it was so f**king addictive, like a drug he could never get enough of, that he craved constantly. How would he stay away from her, unable to savour the taste of her lips, the feel of her skin under his fingertips?
He peppered kisses across her neck, her collarbone, the top of her cleavage, nibbling at her skin.
"Neil..." Her head fell back as she moaned loudly, his stomach tightening at the sexiest sound that he had ever heard, his name in that sultry voice of hers, he couldn't control himself. He sucked at her skin, claiming her, even when he wasn't there, these marks would show the world that she was his.
She kissed the top of his ear lobe, trying to pull away but only to be pulled back in to his arms. "Neil... not now..."
He groaned in dissatisfaction,tugging at her nightie innocently, making her giggle like a lovesick teenager as she strokes his hair apologetically, she knew that if she let him tonight, it would just make it harder to let him go. "Neil... ab nahi na..." (not now)
He pulled away reluctantly, pouting cutely but then noticed something flash on her face. A voice in the back of her head told her to let him do what he wanted, told her it may be the last time. Her hands went to cover her ears and her eyes shut, trying to block out her nightmarish thoughts. He sighed seeing it, she had this habit when any ever any disturbing thought came in to her mind, some of her past had given her serious trauma. Only he knew how to calm her, he held her closer in panic, worrying how she would handle it when he wasn't there.
"Enough crying now Avi... you are behaving more like a baby than Amayra..." She peeled her eyes open, and he smiled slightly, kissing her temple and wiping away the old tears dried on her cheeks. He knew sometimes the key with Avni is to act completely normal, or make her laugh, till she snapped out of her thoughts.
She sniffled, her fingers moving to the hem of his shirt, pulling at it to take it off. Neil looked at her in shock, exclaiming playfully, "Mrs Khanna! Kya iraada hai aap ka!?" (What are you're intentions)
She smiled cutely, her beaming comforted his heart as he lifted his hands of his head like an obedient husband, so that she can pull off his shirt, "Haan, exactly, Mrs Khanna. I am Mrs Avni Khanna... poora haq hai mujhe..." (I have the right)
He grinned at her antics, loving whenever she claimed her rights on him, "Ji bilkhul..." (of course)
She kissed his neck softly, and then led the trail of kisses down his chiselled chest. His eyes welled up in awe, his grip around her hips tightening as she reached the white scar on the top of his abdomen. It was a testament to his bravery, a close call, a bullet that just missed. She runs her fingers over it a few times, stroking it as her eyes filled up with tears as she pictured the pain he felt, as she remembered the way she sat unmoving outside the ICU for 6 hours, feeling like her world was crashing down. She pressed her lips against the wound, soaking it with her tears, "Please Neil... whatever you do... please take care of yourself..."
"God I will, I promise Avi..." He intertwines his finger with hers, squeezing her hand in reassurance, he hated himself, he was sickened by the thought that he made her cry.
"I never want to see another scar like this on you again... Do you have any idea what it felt like?" He nodded to calm her down, bringing her hand to his lips and kissing it repeatedly. Kissing her eyeids, her nose, her temple, the mole above her lip, everywhere, cherishing her while he could.
"No way will I get injured, who will tend to my wounds when you aren't there?" He chuckled, tried to lighten the mood, he had enough of seeing tears in her eyes. "And you think that I will go anywhere leaving you and Amayra?"
She kissed his scar again, his eyes closed and his face clenched in emotion. He flinched automatically, as it still stung, but she could heal him with a single touch, she was the antidote to every pain in the world.
She looked up at him with tentative fear brimming in her eyes, "Abhi bhi dard hota hai?" (Does it still hurt?)
He hissed under his breath squeezing his eyes, at the unbearable pain of the raw wound but then gulped back the pain before she could spot it. He placed his hand over hers on his abomen and pecked her lips, smiling as much as he could through the burning, "Of course not... you kissed it better, how could it hurt?"
She laughed tenderly, wiping away the tears that had escaped his eyes, "I'm sorry I got so emotional... I just... I just thought that it gets easier to let you go with time, but it just gets harder..."
'You can't even imagine Avni...' He wanted to say, 'Instead of fearing my own life out there, all I can think about, all I can worry about is you...'
"Just think in a couple of months I'll come back home, and I'll take the whole family out on some outing and we can spend some time together... I'll play with amayra, and watch you teach her to become a lady don just like my beautiful, wonderful wife. And of course there will be plenty of time to romance..." He looked at her with such an ardent smile as he tried to distract her, such devotion in his eyes that she melted under his gaze.
" Yeah and I'll pamper you... cook you all your favourite foods, and spoil you with kisses... I'll never let you go out of my sight." She reprimanded him adorably, making his heart ache like mad.
"I can't wait..." He chuckled as she tilted his head with her finger, smirking, planting kisses along his sharp jaw. He clenched his jaw savouring the bliss of her lips against his skin.
She traced his beard, she touches a silvery strand, laughing cutely to herself, "Mr soilder... I don't know long you can carry on serving... ab tum papa hogaya hu aur Buddha bhi hogaya hu... look! Grey hair..."
He smiles at her in awe as she focused on scanning his beard, he adored her antics and marvelled at her effortless beauty. He tucked the hair that fallen in front of her face behind her ear, letting her continue, he jerks her by the waist further in to him, making her look at him in surprise.
His smile turned cheeky as he rested a butterfly kiss on the sweet spot just under her ear, whispering to her, "Then all my wishes are coming true..."
She looked at him with a frown of question, making him sigh fondly at her naievity, his hot breath caressing her skin as he continued to whisper, "All I wish for is to grow old with you baby..."
She laughed at his charm, but her eyes turned glassy in reverence, maybe taking him away from her for so many months in a row was god's compensation for giving her such a perfect husband. She kissed him slowly, he reciprocreates immediately, and though it was slow, it was heated with indescribable passion and fire, her hands gripped to his collar to tilt his head and deepen the kiss. He pushes his tongue in to her mouth as she gasps, their tongues battled for dominance, sending tingles down her spines. She pulled away before anything could come of it, kissing his nose, as she heard him panting heavily in to her ear, "Your charm gets you out of everything Mr Khanna..."
"Yeah its my secret weapon, I charm all my enemies and they have no idea what's hit them..." He jokes, poking fun at serious issues that strained both their hearts. She was about to object but he tucked her in to his arms, cradling her like he had done for Amayra before she could say anything. "But you wifey are only one who still stays stubborn, who can defeat me, now listen to me and sleep..."
"But I want to spend more time with you, you're leaving tomorrow-" She pouts, crushing his heart in her hands, he sighs heavily, pulling her cheek to cheer her up.
"Please Avi, don't look so sad..." He knocks his forehead with hers making a tiny smile make its way on to her face. He pulled her closer, encircling his arms around her, as he turned to lying on his side to lying on his back so Avni could lean against him. His cheek rested against her head as she cacooned against his chest, "Come on, try get some sleep now... I don't want you to be tired..."
"Okay... fine..." She grumbled nuzzling her face in to the gap between his shoulder and neck. There was a few moments of silence, as her eyes started growing heavy, he caressed the back of her head, supporting it as she instinctively snuggled in to him. But her heart was restless, not letting her sleep.
"Neilu..." She lisped in the name she only used when she was sleepy or was trying to appease him, he frowned as his stomach wrenched, she was so damn loveable, she made it so difficult to leave her.
He rubbed her arm absentmindedly, "Hmmm?"
She bat her eyelids pleadingly, with those puppy dog eyes that she very well knew he couldn't deny, "Will you pretty please-"
"Tell you a story as I play with your hair?" He asked with a knowing smile, she nodded with a half asleep smile as she moved her head to lie on his chest, where she could hear that reassuring thud of his heartbeat. He knew her so well, nobody could look after her, give her the same peace that he could. "You know you don't have to ask me baby..."
His hands tangled in her hair, his fingers running through the silky strands, massaging her scalp gently. She sighed in content at the soothing touch, kissing his chest, "Well... you know the first time I had to leave for duty after we got married? I had to leave suddenly and so early? Do you know how special you are? I had to cut our honeymoon short... and you never had even a little complaint..."
Avni smiled shyly, randomly tracing the lines running down his torso as he looked down at her, admiring her carefully. He gazed at each and everyone of her features so zealously, so attentively and with such a awestruck smile that it seemed like he was trying to imprint them in his mind.
"And i met this man, I think his name was lieutenant. Acharya and by god did he scare me... he was from an army family, his grandfather and his father were all soldiers before him. And his mother was such a lovely woman, she handled all her 4 children single handedly since in that time the conflicts were worse and his father was barely home. " Her breathing settled as she felt the way his chest rose and fell under her, their breathing in unison. He smiled at her cute concentration face as she tried to focus on his story. Her furrowing brows, her rosy lips scrunched up , her eyes that flared a tint of purple when hit by the moonlight.
"This guy had married a girl from another army family an d though it was an arranged marriage, they had both fallen in love with other. But he was away for so many months in a row, and was called away repeatedly, but he couldn't help it. And he didn't see it as such a big problem as he had seen his mum fine with it all of his life and his wife was used to an army lifestyle." He got distracted from what he was saying again, by her beauty that he wanted to admire for as long as possible. He dreamily tilted his head, his dazed eyes trailing down her body and her face. As he continued to play fondle her hair, he looked at the barely visible dot on her temple, the one he noticed everytime he tucked her hair away. Those tiny things that only he had the right to find out about her.
She looked up at him, pulling a weird face at his sudden stop, "And then?"
He chuckled at his own stupidity, smiling at her affectionately as he pinching her nose playfully, " and then he realised not all women were as strong as his mother... his wife slowly got tired of it, making his life hell during working times as he constantly had to worry about when she would have had enough, and made his life hell at home too, throwing tantrums and demanding things. And one day, she walked out with their child while he was on duty. And he was telling me years after but I could see how hurt he was. I got so worried, you weren't even from an army family, you had no idea how hard it was going to be when you came to our house. How could I expect you to deal with all of it..."
He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her fervidly, there was true worship in eyes, there was a time where he never believed in god. But now he saw god...in her. In all her ethereal glory, in the beautiful family she had given him. A tear left his eye as he brushed his lips across her knuckles, pride filling his heart, "And that's why I'm so goddamn proud of you Avni... you don't realise how strong you are... you never ever complain, and you never ever let anyone see how hurt you are, or how lonely... I hate that I can't be here with you, and I hate being alone without you but I know you are going to handle the house and amayra perfectly... and I know nothing is going to happen to me, because I have to come home to you... because I'd be f**king insane to let someone like you go..."
His hand skimmed across her stomach tenderly, his eyes softening with tears as he remembered when she had gotten pregnant, he took a leave immediately, there was no way he was going miss a single bit of it. There was no way he would have let go through morning sickness alone, there was no way he wouldn't be the one that would run after all her cute demands and cravings, there was no way he wouldn't be beside her 24/7 making sure she was safe, there was no way she'd go through labour herself, and there was absolutely no may he'd be absent when his daughter first came in to the world or he'd miss first cradling her in his arms. But he knew, that even if he had missed all of that, his avni still would never ever coplain, thats the kind of gem she was.
"You know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me right? That I'm so goddamn lucky that I got you..."
He peered down at her when she didn't reply, and saw her fast asleep on his chest, her arm gripping to his torso tightly. Her bottom lip jutted out slightly like a baby, a little pout on her face. Her leg wrapped around his waist, clinging to him desperately like a small child. Her light snoring was one of the cutest things he had ever heard, he stroked her cheek with moist eyes. He leaned down to kiss her forehead, his lips rested there for a long few moments, soaking in all her love and warmth.
His eyes closed, as he crumbled, whimpering as he tried to hold back his sobs that would wake her up. He clutched her possessively as he cried himself to sleep, letting out all the sadness he was hiding from her.
...
They all wait in the living room for Neil to come and get ready to leave, the family watch her carefully as she stands waiting impatiently, trying to distract herself by fussing over Amayra. They know how difficult she finds it everytime.
He walks in to the living room with a broad smile and her eyes fill with honour, her lips quivers seeing him in uniform, looking so f**king smart and handsome. She sees his eyes falter when it meets her, but he recovers quickly, smiling again. He bid his goodbyes to everybody else, bebe blessing him, prakash proudly clapping his back and shweta clutching her ladla son to her chest as she sobs. Neil strokes Shweta's hair, his heart breaking, he hated seeing his family cry, he hated going away, he hated not knowing whether he would be able to see them again.
He hugged Avni from behind, one of his hands cupping under hers that held Amayra's head. Avni looked up at him, leaning her head back on to his shoulder. He silently kissed her forehead, smiling weakly. He supported her hands that held amayra and lifted her, bringing her closer to press a kiss to her forehead too.
He kissed Avni's neck, not bothering at all about the surroundings around them, he whispers delicately in to her ear, and her eyes roll shut at his husky voice, "Look at our Angel Avi... she is looking just like her beautiful mother today, she's wearing your smile... keep my princess away from any boys or she'll steal their hearts like you stole mine..."
She giggled at his comment, craning her head to kiss his cheek, "She won't like anyone... nobody would match up to her daddy, nobody would treat her like you do, like you treat me..."
He stared at her silently for a few seconds, his arms wound around her waist tighter. The intensity of his stare was earth shattering, it was like he would consume her soul with that passion. He parted his lips slowly but was left speechless, a gnawing feeling in his gut. He couldn't do it, he couldn't say goodbye. He breathed in sharply at the stab in chest seeing the sadness dweling in her eyes, although she hid it in her smile.
He let go of her slowly, walking around to see Amayra. Avni handed her to him carefully and just taking her in to his arms made him choke back tears, he nestled his little baby against his chest, his eyes blurring with tears he was blinking back. He buried his lips in her fuzzy hair, "See you soon princess... daddy ko miss mat karna... I'll come back soon okay? ... Aur mumma ko bilkhul pareshaan mat karna, mumma ki himmat bano teek hai? Promise that you wont let mumma cry..."
He glanced at Avni who looked up at him, and he could see it in her eyes that her courage was slipping, she was trying so hard. He squeezed her hand, blinking at her in reassurance, he wasn't going to make it more difficult for her.
'I love you avi...' He mouthed, stepping away slowly. The driver had already taken his bags out, he used to the back of his hand to rub at his face, pulling a smile on to his face before walking away.
She frowned at his retreating figure, Neil, her Neil, was just walking away. And she wasn't going to get a glimpse of him for months. The tears rose in her throat, She couldn't let him just go like that-
She quickly handed Amayra to Shweta who smiled knowingly and sprinted behind him, yelling for him, "Neil!"
He turned around just as she pounced on to his chest, he scooped her up in to his arms, she ran at him in such force that he had to lift her off her feet to regain her balance. She threw her hands around his neck, her cheek pressing against his hair, "I'm going to miss you so much... I-"
He buried his face in to her chest, her hands running through his hair, he inhaled deeply, taking in that sweet floral scent one more time, he murmured in to her skin, overwhelmed, "God you don't even know... I don't know how I'm going to survive without you..."
She felt his tears soaking her shirt and held on to his neck tighter, his head lulling on to her shoulder as she cradled the back of his head, sheltering him nurturingly. She shushed him gingerly, deciding that she won't cry in front of him. She knew she was his weakness, she knew that if he saw tears in her eyes, if she asked him not to leave, it will be almost impossible for him to leave. She planted a million kisses in his hair, rubbing his back till he settled.
"Go Neil..." He looked up at herin question, his eyes were hollow, making her heart drop to her stomach. She stretched her smile wider, gently brushing away the tears on his red cheeks. Her heart swelled in happiness, he was her pride and joy, "Go and make me proud Neil..."
That's exactly what he needed to hear, he cupped her cheek and slammed his lips against hers, knocking the air out of her lungs. They kissed each other so desperately that her whole body curved in to his, he was carnivorous for each and every inch of her body. She toyed with the hair on the back of his neck, huming in pleasure as he deepens the kiss. The kiss was so fierce that she stumbled backward, allowing him to pin her against a wall. His tongue coaxed hers gently, pushing at the seam of her mouth and electrifying the air around them. The family looked away as he ravished her lips as her hands roamed his chest. He surrendered himself to her entirely, subccumed to her tempting lips. His arms roped around her waist as he pulled away slowly, and she leaned her forehead against his as she panted in exhaustion. His hands still teased her hip, making her shudder, her hand scratching seductively down his back.
"That's so you wont forget me when I'm gone, it's not just Mayu that has to stay away from boys... Don't think about even going 500 metres near another guy... samji?" His voice still rugged with arousal, making it hard for her not to get turned on.
She shook her head at his hopelessness with a smile, her nose rubbing against him, "Nobody will make me feel the way you do Neil... I don't know what I'm going to do without you..."
"I'm coming back to you Avni... and we can write letters, you can tell me everything that Amayra does, and I can double check that some bas***d isn't hitting on my gorgeous wife... Whatever you do, don't you dare fall weak Avi... Okay?"
She nodded, her eyes were moist but she didn't let a single tear fall, smiling widely, "I'll make you proud too..."
He chuckled, kissing her hair longingly, "I'm already so f**king proud baby... you can't even begin to understand how much I admire you... I may be the one going out to fight, but you, you are by the far the strongest..."
"God Mr Khanna you are such a charmer..."
"It's only the truth Mrs. Khanna..."
"I love it when you call me that, I love that I'm yours..." She sighed fondly, just staring up at him in awe.
His eyes darkened apologetically, "I think it's time for me to leave now baby..."
He kisses her lips again, lingering against her lips for a few moments without kissing her, just tasting her for a final time, she was so sweet, like sugar coating honey... and he's always had a sweet tooth. He nuzzled her lips, letting out a deep breath, "Bye-"
She jumped back in to his arms, hanging on to him like her life depended on it, he cuddled her securely his eyes squeezing shut, she begged fearfully, her voice trembling, "Don't say it... please don't say it..."
"I won't, okay... don't cry... please... don't cry... I won't..." He patted her hair, mumbling in to it, and she could feel her heart shattering already. It was actually happening, he was actually leaving, this was it.
"I'll see you soon Avi..." He caresses her cheek, his smile shivering.
"I'll see you very soon..." She whispers, kissing his palm that cupped her face, "I want you to make me proud Captain Khanna"
He saluted her, his eyes glimmering with tears as he kissed her one last time, "Anything for you Mrs Khanna..."
He was cradling their little princess in his hands, little amayra giggled and gurgled at her father, lifting her little fists to run it down his face, showing her love in the only way she knew how. His eyes closed at the unblemished, pure, unconditional love in her touch, it was almost as if she was wiping away his tears. He rocked her gently, holding her small head to to his chest protectively, and embracing the rest of her delicate body in fear, never wanting to let her go.
He buried his lips in her small wafts of hair, his eyes closing as small wounded whispers leave his lips. Amayra frowns, as if she could sense her father's anguish. She grabs tufts of his hair in her tiny fists as if trying to run her fingers through it like Avni does. He chuckled softly but the pain reverberated in his voice as his tears fell in to her scalp, amayra looked as if she was about to burst in to cries too, and avni was about to rush inside to get her, but stopped seeing Neil.
He hummed faintly, a tender smile on his face as he swung Amayra humming the lori till she settled. He pulled a funny face at her, making her eyes light up as she giggled joyousy, another tear fell from his eyes, as he noticed that her eyes lit up the way Avni's did.
"Oh god meri mayu... meri jaan... Daddy is going to miss you so much..." He was trying not to break down in to tears, his voice wavering. "I wan't to stay here, and protect you and your mumma... But-"
"But daddy will come back soon... I promise... I promise daddy will come back to his princess..." amayra gurgled, clutching to her daddy's beard, but flinching adorably in astonishment as it's rough texture tickles her. He laughed at her antics, she was so precious.
"But what if you have grown big by then, what if you say your first word when I'm not here, take your first step... what if I miss you growing up mayu?" He caresses her head, stroking chubby cheek with his finger as he scanned her face, as if memorising every little detail about her.
His expression was so vulnerable and raw that Avni just wanted to run over to him, and hug him as tightly as humanly possible, and tell him he was being ridiculous, that they'd always be waiting for him. But she just couldn't bring herself to face him.
"Mayu... daddy loves you so much, I'm so sorry I have to leave... I wish i could keep you both in front of my eyes 24/7..." His eyes darkened with the heavy burden of guilt weighing down on his chest, he carefully tried to put her to sleep, not wanting Avni to go through that trouble tonight, when he wouldn't be able to help her for so long.
He burped Amayra, and paced with her around the room restlessly, waiting for her to calm down slightly but it was not of any use. He gave her a ratlle toy and she shook it around and stayed entertained with it for ages, bonking Neil on the face and laughing at the expressions he made as she did so. He got tired of walking around and sat on the bed, leaning against the headrest, and lying Amayra on his belly. She crawled around merrily, finding a new spurt of energy that refused to let her sleep. He showed her all her toys, giving them all different voices, one mimicking her dadi, one some posh English queen , a gruff villain from some superhero movie and finally her mother, mrs lady don.
"Neil! Bistar par tumhara kapde hai, nikal do! Neil utto! Neil if you use your laptop for so long and work so late in the night your head will ache! Neil amayra ki saamne yeh sab kar mat! Yaha no romance!" (Your clothes are on the bed, remove them! Neil get up! Neil don't do this in front of Amayra!) Amayra snorted with laughter as he ranted comically, Neil smiled at her in admiration with watering eyes, pushing the hair out of her face. His mind got stuck on Avni. His little princess looked so much like her. God , he had to stop himself from letting his mind dwell on her or his heart would break in to a million pieces.
Avni leaned her head on the door frame, sighing shakily, seeing Amayra clamber on to Neil's chest and lay splayed across it. She rested her head on his heart, and her legs laid on his stomach, she was tucked in securely in to his arm and he shushed gently, he rubbed her back till she slowly fell asleep.
Avni scrubbed her face with the end of her saree, harshly, to make sure that there wasn't a single trace of any tears left on her face, clearing her throat before she entered. Neil looked up at her in surprise, wiping away the tears on his face with the back of his hand and pulling a huge smile on to his face which she returned half-heartedly.
"she's fallen asleep..." He whispered carefully, and she nodded stoically, going over to lift her carefully from his chest.
"I'll go put her in her cradle, why don't you go and freshen up and sleep as quickly as possible ? You have a- uh- um... a long day tomorrow..." Her composed normalised tone was painfully forced, and he noticed it immediately but kept silent, nodding, she broke eye contact with him as if it stung her, walking out quickly.
He got out of the shower and got in to bed, sighing heavily, staring at the ceiling and just so deeply feeling the emptiness in his chest, the wallowing feeling in his heart. He tried to remember those times where he didn't even feel afraid for a moment before leaving for service, but now, he was scared to die, he had so many precious things to lose. His Avni, his Amayra...
He waited for Avni, but he knew he couldn't bear to look her in those eyes, he would melt, all this courage he managed to muster would fall apart to bits.
Eventually, she walked in, she kept her eyes trained on the ground, avoiding to even meet his eyes. She changed in to her nightie, and then wandered the room aimlessly, as trying to busy herself.
He despised himself as he saw the wrinkles of distress on her youthful skin, the unrest in her eyes as she skittered nervously, but he tried to maintain the usual energy and charm in his voice, "Avni mera tablets de doogi kya?" (will you give me my tablets?)
She grabbed a packet off the table and tossed it in his direction without giving him a second glance, she was biting her lip so hard that she was digging through the skin. He checked it and realised that in her carelessness she had given him an entirely different medication.
"Yeh nahi, woh wali de na..." (not these, that one) He pointed at the tablets he needed trying to behave as normally as possible, trying to get some sort of small reaction for her, he already missed her voice.
" Get it yourself." She snapped suddenly, stunning him with her change in behaviour. He observed her carefully before saying anything.
"Why are you snapping at me?" He asked in concern, eyeing her in confusion as she carried on pacing around the room.
She stopped in her steps, closing her red frustrated eyes and holding her head in her hands, all her battling emotions were rising to a crescendo inside her and it definitely didn't help that he didn't seem to even care that he wouldn't see her for months, they had barely spoken today. She grunted in raging irritation, her kneels buckling as she fell to her knees. He looks at her, hysterically panic stricken, sprinting to her and lifting her to her feet, caressing her cheek.
"Avni? Baby? Are you okay?" She shoves him off, squeezing her eyes shut. He turned her around, holding her by her shoulders, his gaze burning in to her which just riled her up in emotions even more.
"f**k off Neil. I don't wan't to talk to you." She lashed out, yelling loudly and shoving his chest to push her away from him.
"Come on, don't do this Avni... I'm leaving tomorrow, Say something" He pleaded with her now, his eyes welling up seeing her act so coldly. The tears he was holding back choked in his breath, wrenching his heart, god, he just wanted her in his arms one last time before he had to go.
"Why should I? It's not like I'll miss you..." The silence was painful, but she had lost sight of what she was doing in her rashness, continuing to yell her reckless words. "I'm used to it anyway... you leaving me like this."
"You won't miss me?" He sounded so hurt, his voice cracked. And though tiny, that little juncture in his voice was the saddest sound in the world, it relflected the sound his heart made as it shattered. All the regret hit her in the gut when she saw his wounded eyes.
"No. No I won't. I-I- I wont." She looks away quickly but her voice quivers. She storms away and getting in to bed, turning away from the side he normally sleeps on. He sighs deeply as he slips in beside her, turning around to face her back.
"Avi?" He calls her lovingly, in that voice gives her butterflies in her stomach. His voice... She wasn't going to hear it for so long, it made her heart sink.
She tried not to look at him, knowing that as soon she looked in to those eyes, she would break down.
He wrapped an arm around her waist from behind, resting himself up on his elbow so he could see her. He let out a pained breath, a sad smile appeared on his face as he saw her , she was hiding her face in his tshirt, the one he had given to her when he had to go for duty for the first time after their marriage. She was clutching on to it tightly, trembling, as if trying not to cry.
"Oh Avi..." He slowly traces his finger across her face, gathering the loose strands of her hair that had stuck to her face in sweat and tucking it behind her ear, his face warped in worry as he gulped back his tears. "Idhere aao..." (come here)
She couldn't take it anymore, she couldn't hide it or lie anymore. She turned to face him, tears slowly trickling down her cheek. He wiped them away with his thumb immediately, leaning down to kiss her gently where the tears had dried, and she could feel the wetness of his tears against her cheek. She was going to miss him like hell.
She couldn't do it, she tried this time, not to let him see how much pain she was in seeing him leave, but she couldn't. She broke in to sobs and to him it was like this all consuming, ravaging pain, the most agonising sound in the world. He could bear deafing gunshots, the shrill screech of bombshells hitting the ground, even the screams of injured soilders but he could never ever bear to hear her cry.
He bundled her up in to his arms, pulling her protectively in to his chest into a bone crushing hug. She snuggled in to his side, resting her face on his chest and gripping to his shirt, holding on to him so tightly that her knuckles were white. His arms, his arms had the power to make every pain in world fall away, how could she survive without cuddling in to his arms every night?How could she face that void of emptiness beside her in bed every night?
Her sobs just grew more bitter, her frail body shook in his arms as she struggled to breath against the crying. His face creased, his eyes squeezing shut and his hand turning to a fist , the sound made his heart stop for a second. He just couldn't take it. But he never ever let her feel it, he would never let her see how much pain it caused him.
"Avi please... hey... baby look at me..." He cooed at her like a small child as he pulled away reluctantly, his finger lifting her chin to look her in her eyes. Her eyes were so fragmented, broken hearted, it killed him. "It's going to be okay... I promise... We are going to be okay..."
"I'm so scared Neil..." Her voice was so tiny, barely audible, it stung, it burnt him, like walking across burning hot shards of glass. But he cupped her face, and curved his lips in to a small warm smile, shaking his head.
"I know baby... I know... but I'll be back before you know it... I'll come back home to you I promise..." She moulded herself back in to his chest, right where she belongs, trying but failing to hide the tears rolling down her cheeks. He was always so positive, but his voice was hoarse and broken, his throat stinging wih tears. She knew he was scared too, she knew he didn't want to leave her and go, especially when Amayra is so young, but she also knew he would never even let an inch of that sorrow on his face. Her legs tangled with his, her softness against his calloused skin was an entirely different sense of intimacy, a unimaginable warmth that they couldn't find anywhere else. It was a little touch of heaven, their only medicine, their light in the darknesss, their fire in the cold.
"What if-"
"Shhh... no baby... no what ifs" He pressed his finger against her lips, silencing her, she looked up at him with so much fear in her eyes that it gutted him. He pressed a long lingering kiss against her forehead, closing his eyes. He opened his arms and she crawled in to him, huddling back in to his arms and gripping on to him tighter, "No force in the world can take me away you..."
She kissed his cheek sweetly, his eyes closing slowly at her touch, his breath hitching. Lord knows how much he would miss this, he would think about these touches, these kisses, these words as he laid in those stiff regiment beds, they would linger on his skin whenever his shut his eyes.
"I'm going to miss you so much..." She whimpered in to his shirt, stroking his chest absentmindedly. She took his arm and placed it under her head, using it as a pillow, looking so adorable that he just stared at her, blinking in awe.
"For god's sake... I love you Avni Ayesha Neil Khanna... I love you so f**king much..." He yanked her to land on top of him, smashing his lips in to her before she could react. She could taste blood on his lips where he had bitten it mercilessly, and she sucked it gently, affectionately licking away the remains of the blood, making him groan in bliss.
"And I'm going to miss you so bloody much... and it's so f**king hard not to have you there with me everyday... I'm going to miss everything about you, and you know I'm a hopeless wreck without you..." He brushed his nose across her temple, resting his lips on her cheek, mumbling in to it before kissing her softly.
She rested her forehead against his, trying to settle her unsteady breathing, she pleaded like a small child, "Do you have to go?"
She knew she was being selfish, but she didn't know how she was going to manage without him. She felt him go rigid and it pricked her with guilt because she could see how much it hurt him, he buried his face in to the nook in her neck, murmuring in to her skin, "I'm so sorry Avi... I'm so sorry... I know it's hard on you... and thinking of you here on your own with amayra, it breaks my heart but I can't-"
"Neil it's okay... it's not your fault..." She ran her fingers through his hair, playing with it, giving them that cosy feeling of comfort, of home. She rested her lips in his hair, cradling him and sheltering him as if he was a small child, shielding him, knowing she couldn't when he was out there. "You're fighting for our country. And I'm being really f**king selfish."
"No avni-" He tried to console her but she cut him off, he wrapped his arms around her waist and she curled in to the safety she felt in his arms. She clutched to his shoulder, squeezing it tightly as the pain throbbed in her chest.
"I am Neil, and I feel sick to the stomach because I can see all this time how you were clenching your jaw, how you were trying not to cry... and I tried, I tried to avoid speaking to you so you can't see I'm upset. Because I know if you knew I was upset it would just make it harder for you to leave. But instead I snapped and I said all those awful shitty things and just made you feel worse. And I'm just so f**king selfish because I know, I know you're only going because you have to yet I'm still only thinking about myself. But I'm just so scared and I don't know what to do-"
"Avi... You don't have to be scared... don't you trust me? I promise I won't let anything go wrong, I'll never let anything upset you. You've got me I promise, even when I'm not close by you've got me... " He rocked her back and forth like a baby, rubbing her back with his shivering hands. He didn't want to go, he knew that he couldn't promise her anything, but he had to lie to her, had to stay strong for her.
She grabbed his hair in between her fingers to press him closer as he drew a trail of wet kisses along her neck and down her collarbone. She moaned gently, stirring arousal within him, she could feel him against her stomach, as one of his hand grazed her curves, and the other stayed at her hip, tracing random patterns across her skin.
He nuzzled her nose in to her chest, inhaling her crazily intoxicating scent, it was so f**king addictive, like a drug he could never get enough of, that he craved constantly. How would he stay away from her, unable to savour the taste of her lips, the feel of her skin under his fingertips?
He peppered kisses across her neck, her collarbone, the top of her cleavage, nibbling at her skin.
"Neil..." Her head fell back as she moaned loudly, his stomach tightening at the sexiest sound that he had ever heard, his name in that sultry voice of hers, he couldn't control himself. He sucked at her skin, claiming her, even when he wasn't there, these marks would show the world that she was his.
She kissed the top of his ear lobe, trying to pull away but only to be pulled back in to his arms. "Neil... not now..."
He groaned in dissatisfaction,tugging at her nightie innocently, making her giggle like a lovesick teenager as she strokes his hair apologetically, she knew that if she let him tonight, it would just make it harder to let him go. "Neil... ab nahi na..." (not now)
He pulled away reluctantly, pouting cutely but then noticed something flash on her face. A voice in the back of her head told her to let him do what he wanted, told her it may be the last time. Her hands went to cover her ears and her eyes shut, trying to block out her nightmarish thoughts. He sighed seeing it, she had this habit when any ever any disturbing thought came in to her mind, some of her past had given her serious trauma. Only he knew how to calm her, he held her closer in panic, worrying how she would handle it when he wasn't there.
"Enough crying now Avi... you are behaving more like a baby than Amayra..." She peeled her eyes open, and he smiled slightly, kissing her temple and wiping away the old tears dried on her cheeks. He knew sometimes the key with Avni is to act completely normal, or make her laugh, till she snapped out of her thoughts.
She sniffled, her fingers moving to the hem of his shirt, pulling at it to take it off. Neil looked at her in shock, exclaiming playfully, "Mrs Khanna! Kya iraada hai aap ka!?" (What are you're intentions)
She smiled cutely, her beaming comforted his heart as he lifted his hands of his head like an obedient husband, so that she can pull off his shirt, "Haan, exactly, Mrs Khanna. I am Mrs Avni Khanna... poora haq hai mujhe..." (I have the right)
He grinned at her antics, loving whenever she claimed her rights on him, "Ji bilkhul..." (of course)
She kissed his neck softly, and then led the trail of kisses down his chiselled chest. His eyes welled up in awe, his grip around her hips tightening as she reached the white scar on the top of his abdomen. It was a testament to his bravery, a close call, a bullet that just missed. She runs her fingers over it a few times, stroking it as her eyes filled up with tears as she pictured the pain he felt, as she remembered the way she sat unmoving outside the ICU for 6 hours, feeling like her world was crashing down. She pressed her lips against the wound, soaking it with her tears, "Please Neil... whatever you do... please take care of yourself..."
"God I will, I promise Avi..." He intertwines his finger with hers, squeezing her hand in reassurance, he hated himself, he was sickened by the thought that he made her cry.
"I never want to see another scar like this on you again... Do you have any idea what it felt like?" He nodded to calm her down, bringing her hand to his lips and kissing it repeatedly. Kissing her eyeids, her nose, her temple, the mole above her lip, everywhere, cherishing her while he could.
"No way will I get injured, who will tend to my wounds when you aren't there?" He chuckled, tried to lighten the mood, he had enough of seeing tears in her eyes. "And you think that I will go anywhere leaving you and Amayra?"
She kissed his scar again, his eyes closed and his face clenched in emotion. He flinched automatically, as it still stung, but she could heal him with a single touch, she was the antidote to every pain in the world.
She looked up at him with tentative fear brimming in her eyes, "Abhi bhi dard hota hai?" (Does it still hurt?)
He hissed under his breath squeezing his eyes, at the unbearable pain of the raw wound but then gulped back the pain before she could spot it. He placed his hand over hers on his abomen and pecked her lips, smiling as much as he could through the burning, "Of course not... you kissed it better, how could it hurt?"
She laughed tenderly, wiping away the tears that had escaped his eyes, "I'm sorry I got so emotional... I just... I just thought that it gets easier to let you go with time, but it just gets harder..."
'You can't even imagine Avni...' He wanted to say, 'Instead of fearing my own life out there, all I can think about, all I can worry about is you...'
"Just think in a couple of months I'll come back home, and I'll take the whole family out on some outing and we can spend some time together... I'll play with amayra, and watch you teach her to become a lady don just like my beautiful, wonderful wife. And of course there will be plenty of time to romance..." He looked at her with such an ardent smile as he tried to distract her, such devotion in his eyes that she melted under his gaze.
" Yeah and I'll pamper you... cook you all your favourite foods, and spoil you with kisses... I'll never let you go out of my sight." She reprimanded him adorably, making his heart ache like mad.
"I can't wait..." He chuckled as she tilted his head with her finger, smirking, planting kisses along his sharp jaw. He clenched his jaw savouring the bliss of her lips against his skin.
She traced his beard, she touches a silvery strand, laughing cutely to herself, "Mr soilder... I don't know long you can carry on serving... ab tum papa hogaya hu aur Buddha bhi hogaya hu... look! Grey hair..."
He smiles at her in awe as she focused on scanning his beard, he adored her antics and marvelled at her effortless beauty. He tucked the hair that fallen in front of her face behind her ear, letting her continue, he jerks her by the waist further in to him, making her look at him in surprise.
His smile turned cheeky as he rested a butterfly kiss on the sweet spot just under her ear, whispering to her, "Then all my wishes are coming true..."
She looked at him with a frown of question, making him sigh fondly at her naievity, his hot breath caressing her skin as he continued to whisper, "All I wish for is to grow old with you baby..."
She laughed at his charm, but her eyes turned glassy in reverence, maybe taking him away from her for so many months in a row was god's compensation for giving her such a perfect husband. She kissed him slowly, he reciprocreates immediately, and though it was slow, it was heated with indescribable passion and fire, her hands gripped to his collar to tilt his head and deepen the kiss. He pushes his tongue in to her mouth as she gasps, their tongues battled for dominance, sending tingles down her spines. She pulled away before anything could come of it, kissing his nose, as she heard him panting heavily in to her ear, "Your charm gets you out of everything Mr Khanna..."
"Yeah its my secret weapon, I charm all my enemies and they have no idea what's hit them..." He jokes, poking fun at serious issues that strained both their hearts. She was about to object but he tucked her in to his arms, cradling her like he had done for Amayra before she could say anything. "But you wifey are only one who still stays stubborn, who can defeat me, now listen to me and sleep..."
"But I want to spend more time with you, you're leaving tomorrow-" She pouts, crushing his heart in her hands, he sighs heavily, pulling her cheek to cheer her up.
"Please Avi, don't look so sad..." He knocks his forehead with hers making a tiny smile make its way on to her face. He pulled her closer, encircling his arms around her, as he turned to lying on his side to lying on his back so Avni could lean against him. His cheek rested against her head as she cacooned against his chest, "Come on, try get some sleep now... I don't want you to be tired..."
"Okay... fine..." She grumbled nuzzling her face in to the gap between his shoulder and neck. There was a few moments of silence, as her eyes started growing heavy, he caressed the back of her head, supporting it as she instinctively snuggled in to him. But her heart was restless, not letting her sleep.
"Neilu..." She lisped in the name she only used when she was sleepy or was trying to appease him, he frowned as his stomach wrenched, she was so damn loveable, she made it so difficult to leave her.
He rubbed her arm absentmindedly, "Hmmm?"
She bat her eyelids pleadingly, with those puppy dog eyes that she very well knew he couldn't deny, "Will you pretty please-"
"Tell you a story as I play with your hair?" He asked with a knowing smile, she nodded with a half asleep smile as she moved her head to lie on his chest, where she could hear that reassuring thud of his heartbeat. He knew her so well, nobody could look after her, give her the same peace that he could. "You know you don't have to ask me baby..."
His hands tangled in her hair, his fingers running through the silky strands, massaging her scalp gently. She sighed in content at the soothing touch, kissing his chest, "Well... you know the first time I had to leave for duty after we got married? I had to leave suddenly and so early? Do you know how special you are? I had to cut our honeymoon short... and you never had even a little complaint..."
Avni smiled shyly, randomly tracing the lines running down his torso as he looked down at her, admiring her carefully. He gazed at each and everyone of her features so zealously, so attentively and with such a awestruck smile that it seemed like he was trying to imprint them in his mind.
"And i met this man, I think his name was lieutenant. Acharya and by god did he scare me... he was from an army family, his grandfather and his father were all soldiers before him. And his mother was such a lovely woman, she handled all her 4 children single handedly since in that time the conflicts were worse and his father was barely home. " Her breathing settled as she felt the way his chest rose and fell under her, their breathing in unison. He smiled at her cute concentration face as she tried to focus on his story. Her furrowing brows, her rosy lips scrunched up , her eyes that flared a tint of purple when hit by the moonlight.
"This guy had married a girl from another army family an d though it was an arranged marriage, they had both fallen in love with other. But he was away for so many months in a row, and was called away repeatedly, but he couldn't help it. And he didn't see it as such a big problem as he had seen his mum fine with it all of his life and his wife was used to an army lifestyle." He got distracted from what he was saying again, by her beauty that he wanted to admire for as long as possible. He dreamily tilted his head, his dazed eyes trailing down her body and her face. As he continued to play fondle her hair, he looked at the barely visible dot on her temple, the one he noticed everytime he tucked her hair away. Those tiny things that only he had the right to find out about her.
She looked up at him, pulling a weird face at his sudden stop, "And then?"
He chuckled at his own stupidity, smiling at her affectionately as he pinching her nose playfully, " and then he realised not all women were as strong as his mother... his wife slowly got tired of it, making his life hell during working times as he constantly had to worry about when she would have had enough, and made his life hell at home too, throwing tantrums and demanding things. And one day, she walked out with their child while he was on duty. And he was telling me years after but I could see how hurt he was. I got so worried, you weren't even from an army family, you had no idea how hard it was going to be when you came to our house. How could I expect you to deal with all of it..."
He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her fervidly, there was true worship in eyes, there was a time where he never believed in god. But now he saw god...in her. In all her ethereal glory, in the beautiful family she had given him. A tear left his eye as he brushed his lips across her knuckles, pride filling his heart, "And that's why I'm so goddamn proud of you Avni... you don't realise how strong you are... you never ever complain, and you never ever let anyone see how hurt you are, or how lonely... I hate that I can't be here with you, and I hate being alone without you but I know you are going to handle the house and amayra perfectly... and I know nothing is going to happen to me, because I have to come home to you... because I'd be f**king insane to let someone like you go..."
His hand skimmed across her stomach tenderly, his eyes softening with tears as he remembered when she had gotten pregnant, he took a leave immediately, there was no way he was going miss a single bit of it. There was no way he would have let go through morning sickness alone, there was no way he wouldn't be the one that would run after all her cute demands and cravings, there was no way he wouldn't be beside her 24/7 making sure she was safe, there was no way she'd go through labour herself, and there was absolutely no may he'd be absent when his daughter first came in to the world or he'd miss first cradling her in his arms. But he knew, that even if he had missed all of that, his avni still would never ever coplain, thats the kind of gem she was.
"You know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me right? That I'm so goddamn lucky that I got you..."
He peered down at her when she didn't reply, and saw her fast asleep on his chest, her arm gripping to his torso tightly. Her bottom lip jutted out slightly like a baby, a little pout on her face. Her leg wrapped around his waist, clinging to him desperately like a small child. Her light snoring was one of the cutest things he had ever heard, he stroked her cheek with moist eyes. He leaned down to kiss her forehead, his lips rested there for a long few moments, soaking in all her love and warmth.
His eyes closed, as he crumbled, whimpering as he tried to hold back his sobs that would wake her up. He clutched her possessively as he cried himself to sleep, letting out all the sadness he was hiding from her.
...
They all wait in the living room for Neil to come and get ready to leave, the family watch her carefully as she stands waiting impatiently, trying to distract herself by fussing over Amayra. They know how difficult she finds it everytime.
He walks in to the living room with a broad smile and her eyes fill with honour, her lips quivers seeing him in uniform, looking so f**king smart and handsome. She sees his eyes falter when it meets her, but he recovers quickly, smiling again. He bid his goodbyes to everybody else, bebe blessing him, prakash proudly clapping his back and shweta clutching her ladla son to her chest as she sobs. Neil strokes Shweta's hair, his heart breaking, he hated seeing his family cry, he hated going away, he hated not knowing whether he would be able to see them again.
He hugged Avni from behind, one of his hands cupping under hers that held Amayra's head. Avni looked up at him, leaning her head back on to his shoulder. He silently kissed her forehead, smiling weakly. He supported her hands that held amayra and lifted her, bringing her closer to press a kiss to her forehead too.
He kissed Avni's neck, not bothering at all about the surroundings around them, he whispers delicately in to her ear, and her eyes roll shut at his husky voice, "Look at our Angel Avi... she is looking just like her beautiful mother today, she's wearing your smile... keep my princess away from any boys or she'll steal their hearts like you stole mine..."
She giggled at his comment, craning her head to kiss his cheek, "She won't like anyone... nobody would match up to her daddy, nobody would treat her like you do, like you treat me..."
He stared at her silently for a few seconds, his arms wound around her waist tighter. The intensity of his stare was earth shattering, it was like he would consume her soul with that passion. He parted his lips slowly but was left speechless, a gnawing feeling in his gut. He couldn't do it, he couldn't say goodbye. He breathed in sharply at the stab in chest seeing the sadness dweling in her eyes, although she hid it in her smile.
He let go of her slowly, walking around to see Amayra. Avni handed her to him carefully and just taking her in to his arms made him choke back tears, he nestled his little baby against his chest, his eyes blurring with tears he was blinking back. He buried his lips in her fuzzy hair, "See you soon princess... daddy ko miss mat karna... I'll come back soon okay? ... Aur mumma ko bilkhul pareshaan mat karna, mumma ki himmat bano teek hai? Promise that you wont let mumma cry..."
He glanced at Avni who looked up at him, and he could see it in her eyes that her courage was slipping, she was trying so hard. He squeezed her hand, blinking at her in reassurance, he wasn't going to make it more difficult for her.
'I love you avi...' He mouthed, stepping away slowly. The driver had already taken his bags out, he used to the back of his hand to rub at his face, pulling a smile on to his face before walking away.
She frowned at his retreating figure, Neil, her Neil, was just walking away. And she wasn't going to get a glimpse of him for months. The tears rose in her throat, She couldn't let him just go like that-
She quickly handed Amayra to Shweta who smiled knowingly and sprinted behind him, yelling for him, "Neil!"
He turned around just as she pounced on to his chest, he scooped her up in to his arms, she ran at him in such force that he had to lift her off her feet to regain her balance. She threw her hands around his neck, her cheek pressing against his hair, "I'm going to miss you so much... I-"
He buried his face in to her chest, her hands running through his hair, he inhaled deeply, taking in that sweet floral scent one more time, he murmured in to her skin, overwhelmed, "God you don't even know... I don't know how I'm going to survive without you..."
She felt his tears soaking her shirt and held on to his neck tighter, his head lulling on to her shoulder as she cradled the back of his head, sheltering him nurturingly. She shushed him gingerly, deciding that she won't cry in front of him. She knew she was his weakness, she knew that if he saw tears in her eyes, if she asked him not to leave, it will be almost impossible for him to leave. She planted a million kisses in his hair, rubbing his back till he settled.
"Go Neil..." He looked up at herin question, his eyes were hollow, making her heart drop to her stomach. She stretched her smile wider, gently brushing away the tears on his red cheeks. Her heart swelled in happiness, he was her pride and joy, "Go and make me proud Neil..."
That's exactly what he needed to hear, he cupped her cheek and slammed his lips against hers, knocking the air out of her lungs. They kissed each other so desperately that her whole body curved in to his, he was carnivorous for each and every inch of her body. She toyed with the hair on the back of his neck, huming in pleasure as he deepens the kiss. The kiss was so fierce that she stumbled backward, allowing him to pin her against a wall. His tongue coaxed hers gently, pushing at the seam of her mouth and electrifying the air around them. The family looked away as he ravished her lips as her hands roamed his chest. He surrendered himself to her entirely, subccumed to her tempting lips. His arms roped around her waist as he pulled away slowly, and she leaned her forehead against his as she panted in exhaustion. His hands still teased her hip, making her shudder, her hand scratching seductively down his back.
"That's so you wont forget me when I'm gone, it's not just Mayu that has to stay away from boys... Don't think about even going 500 metres near another guy... samji?" His voice still rugged with arousal, making it hard for her not to get turned on.
She shook her head at his hopelessness with a smile, her nose rubbing against him, "Nobody will make me feel the way you do Neil... I don't know what I'm going to do without you..."
"I'm coming back to you Avni... and we can write letters, you can tell me everything that Amayra does, and I can double check that some bas***d isn't hitting on my gorgeous wife... Whatever you do, don't you dare fall weak Avi... Okay?"
She nodded, her eyes were moist but she didn't let a single tear fall, smiling widely, "I'll make you proud too..."
He chuckled, kissing her hair longingly, "I'm already so f**king proud baby... you can't even begin to understand how much I admire you... I may be the one going out to fight, but you, you are by the far the strongest..."
"God Mr Khanna you are such a charmer..."
"It's only the truth Mrs. Khanna..."
"I love it when you call me that, I love that I'm yours..." She sighed fondly, just staring up at him in awe.
His eyes darkened apologetically, "I think it's time for me to leave now baby..."
He kisses her lips again, lingering against her lips for a few moments without kissing her, just tasting her for a final time, she was so sweet, like sugar coating honey... and he's always had a sweet tooth. He nuzzled her lips, letting out a deep breath, "Bye-"
She jumped back in to his arms, hanging on to him like her life depended on it, he cuddled her securely his eyes squeezing shut, she begged fearfully, her voice trembling, "Don't say it... please don't say it..."
"I won't, okay... don't cry... please... don't cry... I won't..." He patted her hair, mumbling in to it, and she could feel her heart shattering already. It was actually happening, he was actually leaving, this was it.
"I'll see you soon Avi..." He caresses her cheek, his smile shivering.
"I'll see you very soon..." She whispers, kissing his palm that cupped her face, "I want you to make me proud Captain Khanna"
He saluted her, his eyes glimmering with tears as he kissed her one last time, "Anything for you Mrs Khanna..."
Writer: SomewhatWriter
